Woman Who Is Not Exactly The Sharpest Knife In The Drawer Considers Banning Pointy Kitchen Knives

The Mad Cow in charge at the Home Office is not just mad. How do I say this politely? She’s not exactly sharp-witted is she? In a government cabinet famous for its half-wits, she is a blunt-edged kitchen knife - whereas Reeves is a toasting fork missing a couple of prongs, Miliband is a wooden spatula, Lammy is a spoon and Starmer is just a tool. Parody can’t keep up with their real-life antics; they’re fast putting satire and caricature out of business. If Spitting Image was made today, people would just switch off and go on to X instead to see what ridiculous new ‘clean energy’ promo video Milibrain had come up with or tune into Rachel from Accounts telling us her latest brilliant idea for turning the economy around (which her first ‘historic’ all-female Chancellor’s budget rapidly caused to go tits up).

To be fair though, another dulled-edge blade, Idris Elba, seems to have given Cooper this latest excuse to initiate a knee-jerk response to our current social ills, a response as idiotic as it is fascistic. Super Cooper has taken a soggy leaf out of Elba’s book and is now actually mulling a ban on pointy-end knives in order to prevent some people from stabbing other people. The logic goes: if Rudakubana had not been able to buy a pointy-end kitchen knife on Amazon, three little girls in Southport might be alive today.

The home secretary has said she will consider banning kitchen knives with pointed ends before publication of a report on Wednesday that will reveal there was sufficient evidence to consider the Southport killer Axel Rudakubana a terror threat.

Yvette Cooper, the home secretary, will publish findings of a Home Office review that was carried out into the handling of Rudakubana by Prevent, the government’s counter-extremism programme.

It has concluded that counterterrorism officers were wrong to not escalate his case to be treated as a potential terror threat, which would have led to diversionary programmes targeted at the teenager.

Three cheers to Idris for giving her this brilliant idea in the first place:

Fantastic. I hope it goes ahead. I’m sure it will save as many lives as did the wondrous, miraculous Covid vaccines. Just one thing Yvette and Idris: will you be teaming up again in six months in order to initiate a ban on the sale of grinding wheels and metal files which can be used to make round end blades pointy again? Just asking.